How to write an obituary: a gentle step-by-step guide

If you have never written an obituary before, you are probably staring at a blank page with a lump in your throat and no idea where to begin. That is completely normal. Most people have never had to do this, and there is no reason you would know how unless someone had shown you.

This guide will walk you through the process gently, one step at a time. You do not have to get it perfect. You just have to get it written. And the person you are writing about deserves that effort, even when it is hard.

What is an obituary, exactly?

An obituary is a brief written notice of someone's death, typically published in a newspaper, on a funeral home website, or shared on social media. Its purpose is both practical and personal. It announces the death to the community and offers a short portrait of the life that was lived.

Most obituaries run between 150 and 500 words. Newspapers often charge by the word, which is why shorter versions exist. Online obituaries can be longer and more personal. The format has evolved considerably. Today's obituaries are often warmer, more narrative, and more honest than the formal notices of previous generations.

Start by gathering the basics

Before you write a single sentence, collect the following information. Having it in front of you makes the writing much easier.

• Full name, including maiden name if applicable
• Nickname, the name people actually called them
• Date and place of birth
• Date and place of death
• Where they lived: hometown, city, state
• Career or life's work, paid or unpaid, formal or otherwise
• Family survivors: spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings
• Predeceased family members: parents, siblings, or children who died before them
• Service details: funeral, memorial, or celebration of life information

The structure of a traditional obituary

Most obituaries follow a loose structure, though you can adapt it freely. Here is a simple framework to work from.

1. Opening: who they were

Start with the person's name, age, and the fact of their passing. Try not to open with the death itself. Lead with something that captures their essence instead. "Margaret Sullivan, who spent forty years making her corner of Richmond a little warmer and a little funnier, passed away peacefully on June 20th" is more memorable than "Margaret Sullivan, 81, died on June 20th."

2. Their life: the shape of it

Include where they were born, where they grew up, and the major chapters of their life. Work, education, military service, community involvement, faith life, whatever was central to who they were. Keep it concise. You are painting a portrait, not writing a biography.

3. Who they were as a person

This is the part that matters most and is most often left out. What were they like? What did they love? What will people remember about them? A sentence or two about their personality, their humor, their stubbornness, their generosity, their laugh, brings the person to life in a way that no list of facts can.

4. Survivors and predeceased

List who survives them, typically in this order: spouse or partner, children (and their spouses), grandchildren, great-grandchildren, siblings. Then note any close family members who predeceased them. Keep it simple and accurate.

5. Service information

If there is a funeral, memorial, or celebration of life planned, include the date, time, and location. Note whether it is open to the public or private. If the family requests charitable donations in lieu of flowers, include that information here as well.

Tone: finding the right one

Not every obituary needs to be formal. In fact, some of the most memorable ones are warm, even gently funny, because they sound like the person being remembered rather than a legal document.

Ask yourself: if this person could read their own obituary, what would they want it to sound like? That question often unlocks the right tone immediately.

A few things to avoid

• Starting with the date or the word "On": it reads like a report, not a tribute
• Listing accomplishments without personality: no one is their resume
• Overcrowding it with every family member's full name and relationship
• Stringing together euphemisms that obscure what actually happened
• Waiting for perfection. You will never feel like it is good enough, and that is okay

When you just cannot find the words

Sometimes grief makes the simplest task feel impossible. If you are sitting with a blank page and cannot begin, try this: write one sentence about what you will miss most. Just one. Then let that sentence lead you somewhere.

Our free obituary writing tool can also help you get started. Share the details and a sense of tone, and it will offer you a first draft to work from. It is not meant to replace your words. It is meant to help you find them.