What to say in a eulogy when you don't know where to begin

When someone asks you to deliver a eulogy, it can feel like the most important thing you will ever be asked to do and the thing you are least prepared for, both at the same time.

You want to do them justice. You want the words to be worthy of who they were. And you are trying to think clearly enough to write anything at all while grief sits heavy on your chest.

You can do this. People do it every day, imperfectly and beautifully. Here is how to begin.

What a eulogy is, and what it is not

A eulogy is a spoken tribute delivered at a funeral or memorial service, usually by someone close to the person who died. It is not a biography, a list of accomplishments, or a formal speech. It is a personal remembrance, your remembrance, of who this person was and what they meant to you and to others.

The best eulogies feel like a conversation. They make people laugh a little, cry a little, and leave feeling like they knew the person better than they did before: or were reminded of everything they already knew and loved.

How long should a eulogy be?

Aim for three to five minutes when delivered aloud, which is roughly 400 to 600 words on the page. Most people read slightly slower when emotional, so plan for that. A focused five-minute eulogy delivered with presence is far more powerful than a ten-minute one that loses the room.

A simple structure that works

You do not need to reinvent anything. This structure has held up because it works.

Open with who you are and how you knew them

One or two sentences. Give the room context for why you are standing there. "I met Margaret thirty years ago when she moved in next door and immediately started judging my garden" tells them more than "I am her neighbor" ever could.

Tell one story

This is the heart of the eulogy. Not a list of traits, but a single story that shows those traits in action. The story does not have to be dramatic or profound. Small, specific, ordinary moments are often the most powerful. The way she always had coffee ready. The way he said your name. The thing they always said that drove you crazy and that you would give anything to hear again.

Acknowledge what made them them

Two or three sentences about who they were as a person: their character, their humor, their way of moving through the world. Be specific. "She was kind" lands nowhere. "She was the kind of person who remembered your coffee order and your mother's birthday and never once made you feel like either was an effort" lands somewhere true.

Speak to the loss and the love

Acknowledge that this is hard. You do not have to pretend otherwise. Say what you will miss. Say what you are grateful for. If you believe in something beyond this life, you can say that too. Then close with something that honors them: a line, a wish, a memory you want to carry forward.

What to do when you cannot get through it

It is okay to cry. Most people in the room are already crying. Pause. Breathe. Take a sip of water if you need to. If you genuinely cannot continue, it is completely acceptable to hand the paper to someone nearby and let them finish. No one will think less of you. Everyone in that room knows how hard this is.

When the relationship was not simple

Not every loss is uncomplicated. If you are delivering a eulogy for someone with whom your relationship was difficult, you are not obligated to pretend otherwise. But a eulogy is not the place for honesty that wounds others who are grieving. Find something true and something kind, and let those two things carry you through. Something like: "Our relationship was not always easy. But she was my mother, and her life shaped mine in ways I am still understanding" is true, and human, and enough.

One last thing

You were asked because you knew them. Whatever you say will be the right thing, because it comes from that knowing. Trust yourself more than you think you should.