What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving: Helpful Words and What to Avoid

If you are afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone who is grieving, keep it simple. You do not need to explain the death, make it meaningful, or find a sentence that makes the person feel better.

Say that you are sorry. Say the person's name. Offer something specific if you can. Then keep showing up after the first wave of attention has passed.

What can you say to someone who just lost someone?

Plain words are usually safest:

• I'm so sorry.
• I'm thinking about you.
• I loved hearing you talk about your dad. I'm going to miss him too.
• I don't know what to say, but I'm here.
• You don't need to answer this. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
• I remember how much she loved that garden. I keep thinking about it today.

If you knew the person who died, a specific memory can mean more than another general condolence.

What should you text someone who is grieving?

A text does not need to start a conversation. In fact, removing the pressure to reply can be helpful.

Specific offers are easier to accept than "let me know if you need anything." Grief makes decision-making harder, and many people do not know what to ask for.

What phrases should you avoid after a death?

Some common phrases can feel dismissive even when they are meant kindly:

• Everything happens for a reason.
• They're in a better place.
• At least they lived a long life.
• At least you have other children.
• Be strong.
• You'll get over it.
• I know exactly how you feel.

The problem is usually not the individual words. It is the attempt to tidy up something that is painful and cannot be tidied up for someone else.

What if you share the person's religious beliefs?

Religious language can be comforting when you know it fits the grieving person's beliefs. If you are unsure, do not use your own beliefs to explain their loss. You can offer prayer, ritual, or spiritual support without telling someone what the death is supposed to mean.

Should you mention the person who died?

Usually, yes. Many grieving people appreciate hearing the person's name and knowing others still remember them. You do not need to avoid the subject because you are afraid of reminding them. They have not forgotten.

If you have a good memory, share it. A short story can give the family a piece of the person's life they may not have known.

What can you do instead of saying the perfect thing?

• Bring a meal in a container that does not need to be returned.
• Mow the lawn or take the trash cans out.
• Offer a specific school pickup or errand.
• Walk the dog.
• Send a grocery or restaurant gift card.
• Help make calls or organize food when the family asks.
• Check in again several weeks later.

What do you say after the funeral is over?

This is where support often gets quiet. Send the message anyway.

You can say, "I know a lot of people have gone back to normal life, but I know this is still very new for you." You can also put birthdays, anniversaries, or other difficult dates on your calendar and check in then.

For ideas about those dates, see grief on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

What if the grief is complicated?

A person can grieve someone they were angry with, estranged from, afraid of, or relieved not to be dealing with anymore. Do not assume the relationship was close just because the loss is painful.

If you know the relationship was difficult, "I'm thinking about you" may be more appropriate than telling them how devastated they must be. Our article on grief after a complicated relationship goes deeper into that.

What should you say after the loss of a pet?

Treat the loss as real. Avoid "it was only a dog" or immediately suggesting another animal. Ask about the pet, use the pet's name, and acknowledge the routines and companionship that disappeared.

See grieving the loss of a pet for more.

The part that matters most

You are unlikely to find one sentence that changes someone's grief. What people often remember is who kept answering the phone, who brought food without making them host, who said the person's name six months later, and who did not disappear because the sadness lasted longer than expected.