When the relationship was complicated: writing a tribute with honesty

Not every death brings simple grief.

Sometimes the person who died was someone you loved and struggled with in equal measure. Someone who hurt you. Someone you had a complicated history with. Someone whose death brings relief alongside sadness, or anger alongside loss, or a grief so tangled you cannot tell what you are actually feeling.

And yet you may still be the one asked to write the obituary. Or speak at the service. Or simply figure out what to say when someone asks how you are doing.

This piece is for you.

First: your grief is valid, whatever it looks like

Grief after a complicated relationship is some of the hardest grief there is, precisely because it does not fit the shape that others expect it to. People around you may assume you are devastated. Or they may know the history and wonder why you seem sad at all. Neither of those assumptions is the whole truth, and you do not owe anyone a simple explanation.

Complicated grief often includes relief, anger, regret, the grief of what the relationship never was, and the strange finality of knowing it can now never be what you once hoped for. All of that is real. All of it counts.

What to write when the full truth is too complicated to share

An obituary or eulogy is a public document. It will be read by people who did not know the whole story, and it will outlast the moment it is written. This is not the place for private grievances. Not because your grievances are invalid, but because public grief serves a different purpose than private grief.

Here are some principles that help.

Write what is true, not what is complete

You do not have to include everything. You do not have to mention the estrangement, the addiction, the years of silence. You can write about who they were in their best moments, or in the moments you witnessed, without misrepresenting the whole. Selective truth is not dishonesty. It is discretion.

Focus on facts over feelings

When the emotional territory is difficult, lean into the factual. Where they were born. What they did for work. Who they are survived by. This gives you a framework that does not require you to perform feelings you do not have.

Find one true thing to say

Even in the most complicated relationships, there is usually one true and kind thing you can say. They were funny. They worked hard. They loved their grandchildren without reservation. They made the best pie anyone had ever tasted. Find that thing and let it carry the tribute.

Use the tones designed for this

Our writing tool includes two tones specifically designed for complicated losses: "A Life Complicated" and "With Relief." These generate writing that is honest and dignified without requiring you to pretend that everything was fine, or that the death brings only straightforward sorrow.

What to do when you are asked to speak

If you have been asked to deliver a eulogy and the relationship was difficult, it is acceptable to decline. You are not obligated to stand at a podium and speak words you do not mean about someone who hurt you. Saying "I don't think I'm the right person to do this" is a complete answer.

If you choose to speak, you can do so honestly without being harmful. You can acknowledge complexity without airing private grievances. Something like: "Our relationship was not always easy. But she was my mother, and her life shaped mine in ways I am still understanding." That is true, and human, and enough.

Taking care of yourself

Grief after a complicated relationship often comes with guilt. Guilt for feeling relieved, guilt for feeling angry, guilt for not feeling enough of the right things. Please know that there is no right way to grieve someone with whom your relationship was difficult.

If you find yourself struggling, grief counseling can be particularly valuable in these situations. A therapist who specializes in grief can help you untangle feelings that people around you may not have the capacity to hold.

A final word

You are trying to do something genuinely hard. Writing about someone with whom you had a complicated relationship, with honesty and dignity and without causing more pain, takes a kind of courage that goes largely unrecognized.

Whatever you write, it will be imperfect. So will your grief. That is okay. Imperfect and honest is far better than polished and false.