A eulogy does not need to summarize an entire life. In fact, trying to cover everything is one of the fastest ways to end up with a speech that sounds like a biography instead of a person.

Choose a few stories that show who they were, what it felt like to know them, and what people in the room will recognize.

What should a eulogy include?

A simple eulogy can do four things:

  1. Say who the person was to you.
  2. Share two or three specific stories or qualities.
  3. Explain what those stories reveal about them.
  4. Close with what you will remember or carry forward.

How do you start a eulogy?

You can start plainly. Tell the room your relationship to the person and one sentence about what you keep thinking about.

Example: I'm Michael's younger sister, and when I tried to decide what story to tell about him, I kept coming back to the way he showed up whenever anyone needed help moving.

That opening works because it gives the audience a person and a direction. It does not need a quotation about life or a grand statement about grief.

What stories should you choose?

Choose stories that can be told clearly in a minute or two and that reveal something recognizable. A family vacation disaster, a habit of fixing everyone's appliances, a weekly phone call, a terrible joke repeated for twenty years, or the way someone cared for an aging parent can carry more weight than a list of adjectives.

If three stories make the same point, use the best one.

How long should a eulogy be?

Many eulogies are around five to ten minutes, but the right length depends on the service and the number of speakers. Ask the organizer or officiant if there is a time limit.

Reading your draft aloud with a timer is more useful than counting words.

Can a eulogy be funny?

Yes. Humor often gives people a moment of relief and recognition. Use stories that are affectionate rather than humiliating, and remember that people in the room may know different parts of the person's life.

What if you cry while giving the eulogy?

Pause. Take a sip of water. Look down at the page. Nobody in the room is grading your delivery.

Print the speech in large type with generous spacing. Mark natural stopping points. If you become unable to continue, ask someone ahead of time to be ready to finish for you.

Should you memorize a eulogy?

No. You can, but you do not need to. Reading is completely acceptable. Grief affects concentration and memory, even in people who normally speak comfortably in public.

What if the relationship was complicated?

You do not have to manufacture warmth or erase painful history. Choose what you can say truthfully and appropriately in that room. A eulogy can be respectful without pretending the relationship was uncomplicated.

If that is where you are, our article on grief after a complicated relationship may help.

What should you avoid in a eulogy?

A simple eulogy outline

Opening: Who you are and one clear thought about the person.

Story one: A moment that shows something essential about them.

Story two: A different side of the person, or how they affected others.

Meaning: What those stories taught you or what you will miss.

Closing: A direct goodbye, thank-you, wish, or final memory.

How do you end a eulogy?

End before you feel the need to explain everything. You can address the person directly, repeat a phrase they used, mention what you will keep doing because of them, or simply say that you will miss them.

Example: Dad, I still don't know who I'm supposed to call when the sink makes that noise. I hope you knew how much we counted on you, for the big things and the ridiculous little ones too.

What if you have no idea what to write?

Answer these questions in rough notes:

Those answers are usually more useful than trying to write an elegant introduction first.

If you also need an obituary, see how to write an obituary. If you are planning the gathering, see celebration of life ideas.

Need a first draft to work from?

Use the free writing tool, then revise it until it sounds like you.

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