A eulogy does not need to summarize an entire life. Trying to cover everything can leave you with a speech that sounds more like a biography than the person you are trying to remember.

Choose a few stories, habits, or moments that show who they were, what it felt like to know them, and what people in the room will recognize.

And if you are nervous about standing up and saying those words out loud, that is completely normal. A eulogy is public speaking at one of the most emotional times of your life. Writing it is only part of the challenge. Delivering it can feel like an entirely different one.

What should a eulogy include?

A simple eulogy can do four things:

  1. Say who the person was to you.
  2. Share two or three specific stories, memories, or qualities.
  3. Explain what those things reveal about them.
  4. Close with what you will remember, miss, or carry forward.

You do not have to cover every accomplishment, relationship, or chapter of their life. Other people in the room may know parts of the person that you did not. Your job is to speak from the part you knew.

How do you start a eulogy?

You can start plainly.

The first few sentences only need to do two things: tell people who you are in relation to the person, and give them a sense of where you are going.

You do not need a famous quotation, a sweeping statement about life and death, or an opening that sounds profound.

A simple, straightforward opening

I'm David's oldest daughter. When I started thinking about what I wanted to say today, I realized that almost every good memory I have of my dad begins with him saying, "I've got an idea."

Start with a memory

The thing I keep thinking about is my mother's kitchen table. It was where she fed us, lectured us, solved our problems, and somehow always found room for one more person.

Start with something everyone recognizes

If you knew Frank, you probably knew that being five minutes early meant you were already late.

Start with gratitude

I was lucky enough to have Linda as my sister for 52 years, and there are things about that relationship I don't think I fully appreciated until now.

A faith-based opening

My father believed deeply that this life was not the end, and that belief shaped the way he lived as much as it shaped the way he faced death.

The best opening is usually the one that gives you enough momentum to say the next sentence.

It is normal to feel nervous about giving a eulogy

Giving a eulogy is public speaking at one of the most emotional moments of your life.

You may be speaking in front of relatives, friends, coworkers, and people you have never met while also trying to process the death yourself. Even if you are normally comfortable speaking in front of a room, this can feel completely different.

Your hands may shake. Your voice may crack. You might lose your place, speak faster than you meant to, or suddenly forget the sentence you have practiced ten times.

All of that is normal.

You may also feel the urge to begin by apologizing:

I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.

or:

I'm sorry if I can't get through this.

There is nothing wrong with saying that if it helps you settle into the moment. You do not need to pretend you are calm when you aren't.

But you also do not owe the room an apology.

Nobody expects a polished performance from someone standing up to speak about a person they have just lost. If you need a few seconds, take them. Look down at your notes. Take a drink of water. Start again.

The people listening are not waiting for you to perform well. They are listening because they cared about the person you are talking about.

Do you need to apologize for being nervous?

No, but you can acknowledge it if you want to.

If saying, "I'm a little nervous, so please bear with me," helps you get your first sentence out, say it.

What I would avoid is spending the first minute putting yourself down:

You do not need to lower everyone's expectations before you begin.

A simple acknowledgment can even become a natural opening:

I wasn't sure how I was going to stand up here and do this today, but there are a few things about my mom that I really want to tell you.

How do you start a eulogy for your mother?

You do not have to explain everything your mother meant to you in the first sentence.

Start with one thing that immediately brings her to mind.

When I think about my mom, I hear her asking whether everyone has eaten yet. It didn't matter whether you had just finished dinner. She was going to feed you anyway.

You can also begin more simply:

I'm Carol's daughter, and I want to tell you about the version of my mom that lived outside the dates and facts in her obituary.

How do you start a eulogy for your father?

You might begin with something he taught you, something he always did, or a story the room will immediately recognize.

My dad taught me a lot of useful things, including how to change a tire, how to grill a steak, and how to spend forty-five minutes explaining a five-minute repair.

The details do the work. You do not have to begin with "My father was a wonderful man" if a story can show the audience what made him wonderful.

How do you start a eulogy for your spouse or partner?

This can be especially difficult because you are trying to speak publicly about a relationship that was deeply personal.

You can begin with how long you were together, how you met, or one thing you already miss.

Tom and I were together for 31 years, and for most of those years I woke up to the sound of him making coffee before I was ready to admit the morning had started.

You do not need to explain your entire relationship to the room. One honest detail can open the door.

How do you start a eulogy for a grandparent?

A family tradition, favorite food, holiday, saying, or childhood memory can work well.

Every Christmas Eve at Grandma's house looked almost exactly the same: too much food, too many people in the kitchen, and Grandma insisting she had barely made anything.

That kind of opening gives people a place they can picture.

What if you don't know how to talk about someone in the past tense?

Sometimes the difficulty is not finding a story. It is hearing yourself say "she was" instead of "she is," or "he loved" instead of "he loves."

You do not need to force yourself into a perfect grammatical rule.

People often move between past and present tense when talking about someone they have just lost. You may say, "My mom loved gardening," and two sentences later say, "She is the person I call when I don't know what to do."

That is not a failure in your writing.

Speak as naturally as you can. Grief does not always cooperate with verb tense.

What stories should you choose?

Choose stories that can be told clearly in a minute or two and that reveal something recognizable.

A family vacation disaster, a habit of fixing everyone's appliances, a weekly phone call, a terrible joke repeated for twenty years, or the way someone cared for an aging parent can carry more weight than a list of adjectives.

If three stories make the same point, use the best one.

You can ask yourself:

What if you don't know what to say?

That is normal too.

People sometimes assume that if they loved someone deeply, the right words should come easily. Often the opposite happens.

There may be too much to say. Or the loss may still feel too raw to put into words.

You do not have to explain an entire relationship or sum up someone's life.

Start smaller.

Think of one thing you remember. What did they always do? What did they say? What will you miss? What is one story that immediately sounds like them?

That is enough to begin.

How long should a eulogy be?

Many eulogies are around five to ten minutes, but the right length depends on the service and the number of speakers.

Ask the organizer, funeral director, celebrant, or officiant if there is a time limit.

Reading your draft aloud with a timer is more useful than counting words. It also helps you find sentences that look fine on paper but feel awkward when spoken.

Can a eulogy be funny?

Yes.

Humor can give people a moment of relief and recognition. If the person was funny, sarcastic, playful, or known for a particular habit, leaving that part of them out may make the eulogy feel less true.

Use stories that are affectionate rather than humiliating. Remember that people in the room may know different parts of the person's life.

If a joke requires embarrassing the deceased or someone sitting in the audience, it is probably better left out.

What if you cry while giving the eulogy?

You might.

You might also make it through the entire eulogy without crying and then fall apart afterward. Neither reaction says anything about how much you loved the person.

If you do become emotional while speaking, you do not need to fight your way through it as quickly as possible.

Pause.

The room can wait.

When you are ready, look back at your notes and continue.

Keeping water nearby, printing your eulogy in large type, and marking natural stopping points can make things easier. It can also help to ask someone you trust beforehand if they would be willing to finish reading for you if you reach a point where you simply cannot continue.

Needing that help would not mean you failed to give the eulogy.

You showed up and tried to say something that mattered.

Should you memorize a eulogy?

No.

You can if you want to, but you do not need to. Reading from paper or notes is completely acceptable.

Grief can affect concentration and memory, even in people who normally speak comfortably in public.

I would actually recommend bringing a full printed copy even if you plan to speak mostly from memory. Use a larger font than usual, generous spacing, and page breaks that do not split a story in an awkward place.

What if the relationship was complicated?

You do not have to manufacture warmth or erase painful history.

Choose what you can say truthfully and appropriately in that room. A eulogy can be respectful without pretending the relationship was uncomplicated.

You may choose to talk about the parts of the person you genuinely valued. You can also keep the wording factual if that is what feels honest.

If that is where you are, our article on grief after a complicated relationship may help.

What should you avoid in a eulogy?

You do not have to make the eulogy impressive. You need to make it recognizable.

A simple eulogy outline

Opening: Who you are and one clear thought about the person.

Story one: A moment that shows something essential about them.

Story two: A different side of the person, or how they affected others.

Meaning: What those stories taught you or what you will miss.

Closing: A direct goodbye, thank-you, wish, promise, or final memory.

If you are overwhelmed, you can make it even simpler: one opening, two stories, one goodbye.

How do you end a eulogy?

End before you feel the need to explain everything.

You can address the person directly, thank them, repeat something they used to say, mention what you will carry forward, or finish with one final memory.

A direct goodbye

Dad, I still don't know who I'm supposed to call when the sink makes that noise. I hope you knew how much we counted on you, for the big things and the ridiculous little ones too. I love you, and I will miss you.

A thank-you

Thank you, Mom, for showing us what it looked like to take care of people without making a big production out of it. We noticed, even when we didn't say so.

Carry something forward

I can't keep Grandpa here, but I can keep telling his stories, making his chili, and reminding my kids that there is always time to help somebody who needs it.

A faith-based ending

We will miss her here, but her faith gave her peace about what came next. I hope we can hold onto some of that peace as we say goodbye.

You do not need a dramatic final sentence. A small, specific goodbye is often enough.

What if you have no idea what to write?

Answer these questions in rough notes:

Do not worry about making the answers sound like a speech yet.

Once you have a few real memories on the page, choose two or three and put them in an order that makes sense. The introduction and ending usually become easier after the middle exists.

If you also need an obituary, see how to write an obituary. If you are planning the gathering, see celebration of life ideas.

Need a first draft to work from?

Use the free writing tool to get something on the page, then revise it until it sounds like you and the person you are remembering.

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