Writing an obituary can feel strangely difficult, even when you know the person well. You may have years of memories and still find yourself wondering what information actually belongs in an obituary, who should be named, and whether you are forgetting something important.

This page is the checklist version. Use it to gather the facts and make a few decisions before you start writing. If you need help turning those facts into sentences, see our guide on how to write an obituary. If finding the first sentence is what is stopping you, see how to start an obituary for opening-line examples.

What information do you actually need in an obituary?

There is no single required format for an obituary. A newspaper, funeral home, or other publisher may have its own submission requirements, but families have a lot of freedom in deciding what to include.

For most obituaries, start with the information someone would need to clearly identify the person and understand that they have died:

You do not have to turn an obituary into a complete record of someone's life. Start with the facts that matter most, then add the details that help the person feel recognizable.

Which obituary details are optional?

Many details people think of as standard are actually optional.

You may choose to include:

A detail belongs because it helps tell this person's story, not because every obituary is supposed to have it.

Someone who spent 40 years at the same company may want their career mentioned. Someone else may have cared far more about fishing with their grandchildren, rescuing dogs, growing tomatoes, or never missing Sunday dinner.

Both are perfectly reasonable things to remember.

Who should be included in an obituary?

This is one of the places where families often get stuck.

Traditionally, obituaries may name a spouse or partner, children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, and other close relatives. People who died before the person are often listed separately as "preceded in death by."

That structure can be useful, but real families do not always fit neatly into traditional categories.

Think about the relationships that actually mattered in the person's life. That may include:

You do not have to explain every family relationship. The goal is to represent the person's life accurately and respectfully.

For more help with stepfamilies, chosen family, estranged relatives, former partners, and the usual order for listing names, see who should be included in an obituary.

Should stepchildren and step-grandchildren be included in an obituary?

Yes, if they were part of the person's family.

There is no reason to leave someone out simply because the relationship includes the word "step." If a person helped raise a stepchild, considered step-grandchildren their grandchildren, or spent decades as part of a blended family, including those relationships usually makes sense.

You also do not have to label every relationship as "step" if that is not how the family described itself. Some families prefer "children" and "grandchildren." Others want the relationships identified more specifically.

Use the language that feels accurate to the family.

If you are unsure, ask. A short family conversation before publication is much easier than trying to repair hurt feelings afterward.

Do you need to include every family member by name?

No.

For a large family, it is common to name immediate relatives and summarize larger groups. You might write that someone is survived by "11 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren" rather than listing all 17 names.

You can also use wording such as "many nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends."

There is no prize for fitting every branch of the family tree into an obituary. What matters is avoiding an omission that feels careless or unnecessarily hurtful.

What is proper obituary etiquette?

Obituary etiquette is mostly about accuracy, respect, and common sense.

Check the spelling of people's names rather than assuming you remember correctly. Be consistent in how family relationships are described. If there is disagreement about a sensitive detail, talk it through before publishing it publicly.

An obituary is also a poor place to settle an old family dispute. You do not have to pretend relationships were perfect, but there is usually a difference between being truthful and using an obituary to take one last shot at someone.

When several people are involved in writing the obituary, it helps to have one person responsible for the final version. Otherwise, small changes can pile up quickly and you can end up with three slightly different versions circulating among relatives.

If you are submitting the obituary to a newspaper or funeral home, check its requirements before you finish. Some charge by length or have specific formatting rules.

How soon after someone dies should an obituary be published?

Traditionally, obituaries are often published within the first few days after someone dies, especially when the obituary is also being used to let people know about an upcoming funeral, memorial, or visitation. When a funeral home is involved, that timeline often happens naturally because the funeral home helps the family prepare and publish the obituary.

There is a traditional timeline, but there is no deadline.

When my mom died, I didn't publish her obituary until about six months later. We weren't working through a funeral home that was handling it for us, and I simply wasn't in a place emotionally where I was ready to write and publish it sooner.

And that's okay.

The first days and weeks after someone dies can be overwhelming. There are phone calls to make, paperwork to deal with, family decisions, belongings, arrangements, and the simple reality of trying to function while grieving. Writing a public summary of someone's life may not be something you can do right away.

If you need to let people know about a service before you are ready to write a full obituary, you can publish a short death notice or service announcement first. The longer obituary can come later.

If there is no public service, or the service has already happened, there is even less reason to rush.

An obituary can be published days, weeks, or months after a death. Some families never publish one at all. There is no point at which you have "missed your chance."

Write it when you are ready.

What should you not include in an obituary?

Most obituary information is harmless, but remember that once something is published online, it may remain searchable for years.

Think twice before including:

You also do not need to explain every difficult part of someone's life. If there was a complicated divorce, an estrangement, an addiction, or another painful family situation, decide what actually needs to be said.

Sometimes the clearest choice is simply to leave a detail out.

Should you include the cause of death?

Only if the family wants to.

Some families prefer to be open about the cause of death. They may want to name cancer, Alzheimer's disease, addiction, suicide, or another condition because it was part of what the person and family experienced.

Other families consider that information private.

Both choices are valid.

If you do include the cause of death, make sure the information is accurate and that the people closest to the situation are comfortable with it being made public. You can also use broader wording if that feels more appropriate.

An obituary does not owe strangers someone's medical history.

What service information should be included?

If the obituary is published before the funeral or memorial, give readers enough information to know whether and how they can attend.

Include the date, time, and location of the service, along with any visitation, viewing, burial, graveside, reception, or livestream information that is open to others.

Be clear if a service is private or invitation-only.

If there are special instructions, such as a dress request or cultural or religious custom guests should know about, include those as well.

Before publishing, compare the obituary against the funeral home's or venue's confirmed information. Dates, times, addresses, and livestream links are easy places for mistakes to slip through.

What should you say about flowers or donations?

If the family would prefer donations to a charity or organization, state that clearly and make sure the organization's name is correct.

If there are several organizations with similar names, give readers enough information to find the right one.

Families sometimes use phrases such as "in lieu of flowers," but you do not have to. You can simply say:

"Those wishing to remember Maria may make a donation to the Richmond SPCA."

If flowers are welcome and there are no special instructions, you may not need to say anything at all.

Should an obituary include accomplishments?

Yes, if those accomplishments mattered to the person.

But accomplishments do not have to mean degrees, promotions, awards, or impressive job titles.

Raising children counts. Caring for aging parents counts. Rebuilding motorcycles, running a neighborhood garden, coaching Little League, fostering dogs, making quilts for every new baby in the family, or feeding half the block can tell you much more about a person than a résumé does.

Choose the accomplishments that help explain how the person actually spent their life.

What personal details make an obituary memorable?

Specific details usually make an obituary feel more like the person.

Think about what someone who knew them would immediately recognize.

Maybe he put hot sauce on almost everything. Maybe she kept dog treats in her purse even though she didn't own a dog. Maybe he called every grandchild on Sunday morning. Maybe she had strong opinions about how potato salad should be made.

Favorite sayings, routines, hobbies, music, pets, recipes, practical skills, family jokes, and small habits can give an obituary some life.

You do not need many of these details. One or two good ones can do more than a paragraph filled with words like "loving," "kind," and "wonderful."

Those words may all be true. A specific memory shows the reader what they mean.

Obituary fact-check before publishing

Before you publish or submit the obituary, check the facts one more time.

Verify:

Then ask someone else to read it just for factual errors.

A fresh reader can often spot the wrong year, missing child, or misspelled grandchild's name much faster than the person who has been staring at the obituary for two hours.

What if the family does not agree about what to include?

This is completely normal and happens more often than you would expect.

One person may want a very traditional obituary. Someone else may want to mention a complicated relationship. Another family member may feel strongly about including or excluding the cause of death.

When possible, separate factual questions from emotional ones.

A name can usually be verified. A service time can be confirmed. A disagreement about whether to mention an estranged relative is different.

For those decisions, ask what wording best reflects the deceased person's relationships without creating unnecessary harm for the people who are still here.

You may not get perfect agreement. Aim for something the family can live with after it has been published.

What if you are writing your own obituary?

You can use this same checklist.

Writing your own obituary does not mean you have to produce a polished final version. Even a factual draft can save your family a surprising amount of work later.

Write down the names and relationships you want included, work or volunteer experiences that mattered to you, hobbies and stories you would like remembered, and any preferences about your service.

You can also note things you specifically do not want included.

Your family can update dates and other circumstances later.

If you are planning ahead more broadly, keep the draft with your end-of-life planning information where the right person will know how to find it.

Ready to turn the information into an obituary?

Once you have the facts gathered, you can use the free obituary writer to create a first draft, or follow the step-by-step guide on how to write an obituary.

Start an obituary →